executive functioning – SEND Support

Mothers Day verses Birthday

After Mothers Day I posted on FB that it hadn’t been the best day.

It hadn’t been great because my little one hadn’t been prepped at all about a different day and not only was it different, it was about me and not him!

So I challenged myself to have a better birthday and I can say it really was a great day. But to get to that point I had to put in some work. But it really was worth it!

1. Prepping for the day
This started the day after Mother’s Day. I was determined for it to be different. And it just started with conversations. Conversations about my birthday coming up and how birthdays are important days for some people and on those days we should treat them well and treat the nicely.

My husband also took him out on a special trip to buy me some presents. My husband used the opportunity to say that Mummy probably wouldn’t want a rocket for her birthday, can we think of some things Mummy might want!

We talked about it quite a lot, and expressed regularly how he needs to behave.

Because my birthday was during the holidays, we made a holiday picture time table and my birthday was part of that.

2. Taking it personally
This is such a hard one. It goes against everything in you. If any adult or Neuro-typical child behaved in the way my little one did, you definitely would take it personally and you probably wouldn’t speak to them for a while, because you thought they were quite mean, and unthinking.

But as our ADHD nurse put it, you have to reframe it. It’s not him being mean and horrid (even though it is), but he doesn’t understand, he doesn’t know how to do this right, because socially speaking those skills are not honed yet. In some ways the whole day would have been far better if I hadn’t taken it personally. If I’d have realised all of this in the morning and not at my bedtime! If I’d taken it in my stride, then we would have had a better day. For my birthday I was half expecting it to go very wrong, so in some ways it was a complete shock and surprise when it didn’t. I altered my behaviour and tried to help him alter his.

Now I’m not saying his behaviour on Mother’s Day was acceptable. And at some points in the day there were some consequences for his behaviour. But like with all behaviour, we have to ask why? When I reframed the situation, I wasn’t as insulted and put out. Try it next time you’re in a similar situation. I hope it helps.

3. He struggles with these types of days.
We recently met with an ADHD nurse and she said something that hit me like a ton of bricks!!

“Children with ADHD don’t like CHANGE!!”

Now yes I should know this, but it’s never been said in such a clear way. Now Mother’s Day is definitely a change. It’s not part of the norm and it’s very different. This is the same for children with ASD and other neurological conditions.

So you can either give into this and say well we won’t celebrate it let’s just keep everything the same and then you as the mum miss out (again!) or you can allow it to happen and either face the consequences or prep. I personally as the mum don’t want to miss out. I work so hard at being a Mum, I want to celebrate this fact!!

4. See it as a brilliant opportunity to teach social skills.
This is not going to be the only time in his life where he will have to put someone else first. As a child his friends will have birthdays, his family will have celebrations and when he’s older and gets married and has children, that’s a whole lot of putting others first. So this has got to be taught.

We’ve always had to break social skills down into small basic chunks to support our little one. And this should have been no different.

* Putting others first
* Respect others and their feelings
* Understanding how celebrating someone else might make them feel loved and special.
* Why we have special days
* These types of days are a regular thing

Now of course you don’t teach all this in one go. But you drip feed little nuggets. The very act of prepping shows that this is important. It takes time, it might take a few years of it not being great. But have hope!!

Creating a bedroom that supports Executive Functioning.

I’ve been wanting to make my little ones bedroom work for him. Especially in the area of Executive Functioning (EF). So using the opportunity of self isolation I’ve been given the time.

Some of the different things I have already talked to you about in other posts, but here it is all in one place. I’ve used the context of the bedroom as a base for all of these different strategies, but they can be used in any room. You just need to decide what works best for you and your family.

Labels for clothing – These labels are for a dual purpose. Mainly as a reminder for what he needs to wear, linked with a routine chart (coming later). But also at the moment if you ask him to tidy up, he literally can’t remember where each item goes. Jumpers end up with the trousers and so forth. I don’t mind if they are not put on the shelves properly, but it would be good if they were on the right shelf.

Drawer Labels – At the moment he struggles to know what to play with. It’s important for all of our sanity that toys are tidied away. He would love it if toys were stored all over the floor. But that is just not possible. But the problem with keeping things tidy is that everything is hidden and therefor he doesn’t bother. He won’t think I want to play with that or that. He just doesn’t go looking. He can’t remember what he has. So drawer labels help him to know what he has, but also to know where to put things after.

Keep joint items together – Each item in this drawer if it has many bits are put together in a bag. Someone with ADHD won’t give something the time of day if they have to hunt for all the pieces. I’ve labelled each bag, but thats mainly for my benefit.

What’s happening this week board – In a previous blog I spoke about how children and Adults with ADHD see time. It’s not linear it’s just a jumbled series of events and how those events make them feel. This is updated weekly so he has quick access to what is happening during the week. He also gets time to process that certain activities that he doesn’t like as much are happening.

Calendar – The calendar will again help him realise where in time we are and hopefully get him to realise the linear nature of time. I don’t want to wipe out the way he see’s time as I imagine it’s quite a wonderful way of looking at the world. But this will help him work in the way that most people do.

Clock and Timer – These are important things in our life. We bought a clock that tells him the time and day, but I also need him to realise what time it is. For example we start getting ready in the morning at 8am, this is so he can realise where we are in time. The timer is also a great tool, it keeps him focused. The other day I didn’t use any of the strategies (don’t ask me why!) and after about 10 times of asking him to get dressed I found him on the bed looking at something. When I asked him to get dressed again he said “O you wanted me to get dressed!” So out came the timer again!!

Morning Routine Chart – I’ve talked about this a lot, so won’t go into detail. But as you can see the labels in his wardrobe match the routine chart. So there is consistency.

I hope this helps you on your EF journey. I also hope it helps us on ours.

What does time look like?

This is something I have spent a lot of brain power on lately. How does my little one (who probably has ADHD) perceive time?
I’ve always found it so funny that someone who is quite clever and can work out maths sums in seconds cannot for the life of him work out what day it is, or what day is coming next. Then when it was my husbands birthday, my son asked when is your next birthday? It was in that moment that my suspicions of struggling with Executive Functioning were confirmed.

So I went on a search to find out what does time look like? Now I am very aware that there is a much deeper, philosophical answer to this than what I am about to give you.

Firstly what does time look like for people who don’t struggle with Executive Functioning. For me it’s a straight line, or like a time line the ones you see in history books. The past, the present and the future all spread out in a colourful line. It’s all clear, it’s all visible and its all colour coordinated (but then that is just me!).

But as Sandy Maynard M.S in this great article writes:
Some experts think that individuals with ADHD perceive time not as a sequence but as a diffuse collection of events that are viscerally connected to the people, activities, and emotions involved in them. That often means they’re always late. Children and Adults with ADHD don’t see events they feel them.

And this is what I have witnessed in my little one. It’s all about now, or what is coming up next, but he doesn’t understand quite where the next comes in. There might be things that need to come first, but that doesn’t take priority. Understanding that you have to get dressed before going out and making time for that. Or getting so lost in time that there is no awareness where he actually is in the current time.

I get it, he’s still young, but what I am realising is this is something I need to teach him. I need to put in place strategies that will help him. Some children just learn this intuitively and some children need to go back to basics. Which means we as the parents have to go back to basics and realise how do we do things. We need to break it down for them to help them make sense of it all.

A calendar to help realise how time is linear

Planning!!

This word sometimes sends people into a panic! But it doesn’t have to.

People who have ADHD or Dyslexia can find it really difficult to organise their thoughts, their day or their week.

Today after feeling overwhelmed about what order to do all my jobs in, I came across Eisenhower’s Priority Matrix. It essentially helps you to work out what is a priority and needs doing now or very soon or what can be done much later or can be eliminated altogether (I haven’t been able to put anything in that box yet).

All you have to do is sit down and think through everything that needs doing. Each job that needs doing, you allocate it to a box. I know that all the jobs I write in the yellow box needs doing this week at the latest. Then it gradually gets less pressured as you move into the other boxes.

So if you are struggling to be able to put some order in or even if you don’t have Dyslexia or ADHD but are just really busy. Give this a go. It might really help.

Here is a free download for you to print off.

priority-matrix-Download

ADHD type characteristics

First let me explain the title. We have fought a long battle to try and get an ADHD diagnosis for our child, and it seems to go nowhere. This is for a number of reasons that we don’t need to go into. But basically I may never get a piece of paper saying my child has ADHD, but it doesn’t mean that I am not going to support him. And the way we support them is in the same way you might help a child who is diagnosed with ADHD. You may also have a child who has ADHD characteristics but doesn’t meet the threshold for diagnosis or you may just have a child that is fast, lacks focus and gets easily distracted (sound similar!)

I have pulled my hair out with my child’s behaviour over the years, and maybe this may help you to keep some of your hair. These are just a few ideas we have come up with over the years that have helped and I have also used in my work as well.

Rewards and Praise before consequences
Now I am not saying here that your child should not face the consequences of their behaviour, but before it gets to that point try rewards and praise. Children with ADHD respond so much better to praise and rewards than shouting and consequences. I find in my not so great moments that when I do shout his behaviour gets worse and it spirals. So try some of these first as a preventative measure.

Marbles in a Jar
The key to rewards and praise is looking out for the good behaviour rather than always dealing with the not so great behaviour. Techniques like marbles in a jar helps you to focus on the good behaviour. So every time you see some great behaviour even if it is really small put a marble in the jar. Every morning empty the jar and talk about the jar together saying we want to see this jar full by the end of the day, can you do it? Seeing the jar full is in itself an intrinsic reward. If you wanted to up the joy, you could say that if the jar is full every day for 7 days we can have a small treat, which adds to the praise and rewards. This is so helpful for you as a parent/carer because it makes you look for the positive and over time your mindset will change. But it supports your child, because they are being praised regularly throughout the day rather than being told off a lot.

These next two examples are exactly the same principle just different ways of showing it.

This needs some preparation, but it is colourful and fun! (Maybe best for slightly older children because of the use of magnets) Each pom pom has a magnet glued onto the bottom. The rainbow sheet which has been laminated is sitting on a metal baking sheet. Every time your child does some brilliant behaviour even if it was they said please or thank you. Put a pom pom on the rainbow. Can they fill the rainbow by the end of the day. You can download the rainbow print out below.

rainbows Download

If your child is into lego or Duplo then use the Lego to make a tower. How big can the tower get? Fill a bowl with bricks every morning and see if you can use them all.

The important thing with this technique is not to take away. So if they show some not great behaviour then deal with that separately. This is all about rewards and praise.

Brain Breaks
Before entering into homework time or something that is going to require sitting still or focus. We have often gone on a run or walk first or before needing to sit still for a while we have been to the skatepark or the park first to burn off some of that excess energy. But particularly before homework time we go out for a walk. You can use this time to talk about the expectations you have for the homework time coming up, what you will do and how long it will take. But mainly this time is for letting off some steam before sitting down. It doesn’t always work, but I have noticed a difference when we have done it and when we haven’t. Or say you’ve gone to a wedding or round someone house, which isn’t completely set up for an active bean, then regularly go for a little walk outside. This will do you both the world of good and it takes the pressure off your child. We recently went to the theatre, it was an hour long show and instead of me expecting him to sit through it for the whole hour I set in my mind that at the half way point we would talk a short walk. The walk was 1 min, but that change of scenery and getting up completely settled him and he was able to enjoy the rest of the time.

Activity and Challenge
I also find that sometimes the best focus comes whilst he’s concentrating on something else at the same time. No I am not meaning watching a screen whilst testing timetables. But maybe jumping on the trampoline whilst shouting out the 3 timetables or during lockdown we took to reading a book whilst jumping.

I watched a programme once where a child played table tennis whilst revising for a history test. It may seem counterproductive to get them to do other stuff, but I think it takes the pressure off. It’s the same principle as using a fidget toy, but a whole body work out.

Where this type of thing isn’t possible, then fidget toys are brilliant. You can readily get hold of fidget toys on the high street now. Another great thing (again for older kids) is letting them have blu tac or play dough to play with whilst working or kinetic sand. Just gives them that outlet.

I guess what I am mainly trying to say is that in some ways it is better to embrace their ADHD characteristics instead of always fighting against them. There are times in life where you have to fight against them. But there are also times where you can work with them and it’s finding that balance.